Sunday, January 1, 2012
♥ Happy 2012
For the past two weeks, I kept telling myself "On the 1st of January you will go on your diet, you don't have any other choice but too" While I know everyone loves me for who I am, and the these I do. I can't stand myself. That is pretty hard to suffice when you know you can't stand to be around yourself. When I eat, I hate myself even more. I walk by a mirror, I try not to glance at the mirror because I know I will be grossed out. I have stopped caring about my outer appearance as well. Sweat pants, shirts, sweet shirts, Anything to hide the excess baggage that I have!
It is sad when you dislike yourself that much. When you know emotionally you are a good person. But physically you really suck. It messes with everything around you. Your children, your family. Everyone. My husband would never dare call me fat. I'd punch him in the face. But I can see the look he gives me when I look at my worse. He loves me, but he wishes I was smaller.
My sex drive is non-existent and it's pretty much because I can't stand to hear or feel my skin drop, or clap, or whatever else it does during sex.My husband says he doesn't care but he is missing the point. Of course a man doesn't care. As long as they bury there hard drive they are fine with whatever opens their legs. I can't be into sex if I am emotionally and physically messed up over being so big. He will never understand this. That is a man for you though.
Every time I see my dad he always makes a fat joke at me. Which is funny because my dad is a lot bigger then me, and has every health problem you can imagine. He will say things that hurts really bad. It used to not hurt because he would say it between me and him, but now he does it in front of my husband, and that makes me feel really horrible. Things like good god you are getting so big, or honey its time to go on a diet, or is that fat free?Or what is wrong with you,why are you so big? Things like that really stab you in the heart. I'm sure it is his way of saying, You know you really don't need to do this to yourself.
Growing up I was always a chunky kid. I was always made fun of for having extra weight. Then in 2003 I decided I was sick of it. It took me a year but I lost 100lbs I was so happy with myself. I felt good, I was hardly ever in pain. I just loved every part of myself. I got pregnant and packed on that 100lbs plus more. The second time I got pregnant I packed on another 50 pounds. You can imagine how big I am now.
Anyway, this isn't a sad story. This is just me starting a journey. I vow that everyday I will at least try to do some form of exerciser. I will blog my progress. I will take pictures!And I will try the very hardest to struggle and commit myself to this diet.
It is sad when you dislike yourself that much. When you know emotionally you are a good person. But physically you really suck. It messes with everything around you. Your children, your family. Everyone. My husband would never dare call me fat. I'd punch him in the face. But I can see the look he gives me when I look at my worse. He loves me, but he wishes I was smaller.
My sex drive is non-existent and it's pretty much because I can't stand to hear or feel my skin drop, or clap, or whatever else it does during sex.My husband says he doesn't care but he is missing the point. Of course a man doesn't care. As long as they bury there hard drive they are fine with whatever opens their legs. I can't be into sex if I am emotionally and physically messed up over being so big. He will never understand this. That is a man for you though.
Every time I see my dad he always makes a fat joke at me. Which is funny because my dad is a lot bigger then me, and has every health problem you can imagine. He will say things that hurts really bad. It used to not hurt because he would say it between me and him, but now he does it in front of my husband, and that makes me feel really horrible. Things like good god you are getting so big, or honey its time to go on a diet, or is that fat free?Or what is wrong with you,why are you so big? Things like that really stab you in the heart. I'm sure it is his way of saying, You know you really don't need to do this to yourself.
Growing up I was always a chunky kid. I was always made fun of for having extra weight. Then in 2003 I decided I was sick of it. It took me a year but I lost 100lbs I was so happy with myself. I felt good, I was hardly ever in pain. I just loved every part of myself. I got pregnant and packed on that 100lbs plus more. The second time I got pregnant I packed on another 50 pounds. You can imagine how big I am now.
Anyway, this isn't a sad story. This is just me starting a journey. I vow that everyday I will at least try to do some form of exerciser. I will blog my progress. I will take pictures!And I will try the very hardest to struggle and commit myself to this diet.
9:27 AM
